Is what I want impossible? Could it all just be a dream? I wrote long ago that the greatest battle I will have to face in life is knowing myself...but that is wrong...the greatest battle I will have is in knowing my desire is not that of another. It is in knowing that everything that I love and cherish and want will not be mine because it is not my decision to make or for my effort to bring about--for I have already made my selfish choice.


Then again, we do always tend to think that the hardest thing is that which we are dealing with right now.

Impulse

I have the sudden impulse to do something dangerous, something stupid....something to get my heart pumping and to put me into hyper-speed. I want to run. I want to fly. I want to jump and soar. I want to say all those things to all those people that I've always wanted to say but have been stopped because of proriety.
I wouldn't say I feel self-distructive right now....I just feel this need to do things how I really want to, bluntly and in the reality of the situation. I want to push where I should stand still. I want to fight where I should cede.

...just in time for the roses to die....what ironic timing....

Letters

I wrote a letter today to someone....and while I was doing it, I realized how much I miss being a pen pal! Remember when I was writing like 2 or 3 missionaries regularly? That time of my life was amazing! It was so fun! I wish I still had a pen pal....I miss it....that may just be my new hobby....letter writing....I like it.

Cake and Pie

I had a conversation about a year ago with a friend....let's call him Daven....about having your cake and eating it too. He is firmly against the idea of this being a posibility. He believes that this is a perfect truth because there is no way you can possibly hope to have a cake, and eat it.
I tried to argue with him about this. I tried several theories with him. I tried the "what if you only ate part of the cake" theory. He didn't buy that. He said that then you wouldn't really HAVE the cake, and it would detract from the beauty of it. I then tried the "what if you had two cakes and ate one and looked at the other" theory. He disagreed and said that then you wouldn't have the same cake that you loved so it's not the same thing. You can't have THAT cake that you just ate.
Finally, I told him that I didn't really like cake.....and that I'd rather have pie.
Right now....that's what I have. I have pie. I love pie. I like pie a lot better than I like cake, in fact. It's invigorating. It's delicious. It's flavorful. It's comfortable. It's complex. But....that doesn't solve the problem of me wanting cake in my life.....and cake or pie....I still can't have it both ways.

...........


....my mom makes this pie....it has a cake mix for the crust. It is amazing. That is what I want. I want my cake. I want my pie. And I want to fully consume them both.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.


UGH!


blah.

Importance.

Sometimes, there are people who come into your life unexpectedly. These people are different than others. Important in some way...for some reason. You look at them and there is a closeness to self, a sameness. An instinctive undersatnding. Sometimes these people stay and you are able to discover just what significance they have in your life. Others go away and the memory of them fades with time. You no longer remember how you could look into their eyes and see bits and pieces of yourself mixed in with other things that were foreign, strange, exciting. Instead they just become a name from some long forgotten past life. A chance that you could have had--a choice--that passed.
There's someone like that in my life right now. I don't know why. I can't really explain it. But I just know that this perosn is important to me. It's instinctive. But what will happen? This person will move on, go away, and become someone that I used to know, once, from that one place I lived for a short time.
I wonder sometimes if people ever feel this, too. If I ever show up and someone thinks, "Wow....do I know her? I sure want to. She's important."
Maybe it's just that I haven't lived enough life, yet, to see these things come full circle. Maybe, someday, all these important people who have crossed my path will some day show themselves again and then, finally, I'll understand those feelings. Or maybe these people really do represent the opportunities that my life could have were I to make a different choice.
But what if I were to fight for some of these people? I have before. And never won. But the people who have been important (and, I mean more than familiar....more than friends. Really IMPORTANT. I don't know of a different way to describe it...) who have stayed of their own choice? Man....have they been impactful.
I don't really know where I'm going with this....except that it's interesting to wonder and think about. If yesterday could happen again and if I had been different or the situations had been somehow different...if not my own choice but that of an important person had been different, how would I be different now? ....would I be having these thoughts about how important people are to me in life? Or would I just know that, to someone, I'm that important person, too.
What-ifs are useless unless you put them into a practice for our future.