I have decided that I need tolet go of my anger. Or, maybe anger isn't even the right way to put it...but there are times when I just feel resentful...when I get frustrated and upset and just kind of want to be left alone...when I resent having to do things, even though I know that they're right and good and helpful...but I just don't want to do them. So I have a bad attitude. And I complain. Both out loud and also in my head....over and over again I let that angry feelingbuild up.
I need to let it go. The other day I left the house angry. I left in a huff. I had slammed a door. I was upset at my lack of privacy in my home...I felt put upon for having to take care of my sister whne I was getting ready for work while my dad did nothing but watch TV...I was frustrated and upset and just wanted to simmer in my orneriness.
Then, while I was at work--sitting in the break room on my lunch--a girl that I work with asked me what I believe in. She asked me questions about my faith, what I believe, and why I believe it.
Although I was still able to answer her with words that I stumbled over and pushed out, I'm ashamed that I wasn't able speak to her from my heart...because my heart wasn't where it was supposed to be. I had preparedmyself that day with anger in my heart. I had prepared myself with nothing of hope or love or the Lord. So, when I was questioned on those things, I had none of it to give but the shrivelled portion that was left over in my reserves from another day.
I'm ashamed of that. I'm saddened by that. I came home and read and read my scriptures. I was like a wet sponge wanting to be filled--wanting to be able to feel that spirit that I knew was so lacking in my day. I want to never be in that situation again, although as I type this I realize that I was in exactly such a situation today...I need it to change. I need it to end. I need it to be difference. I will make that difference.